Push and pull – it’s a head **ck

By Beattie – a mother living with child‑to‑parent violence and abuse 

Last night, my adult son who no longer lives at home called me. 
By the time the conversation ended, I was left spinning… again. 

I had blocked his number because our interactions usually escalate into threats and abuse.  This time, the call came from a new number. I answered without realising. 

I was instantly on edge. Hyper‑vigilant. 
Every word I spoke was carefully chosen. My tone was light, but my body was tense. I was anxious  constantly scanning for danger signals, for the moment things might turn. 

The conversation went well. 
He was calm.  Kind.  Engaging.  He didn’t ask for anything.  He didn’t demand anything from me. 

Then, right at the end, he said: 

“I love you, Mum.” 

That was my undoing it always is. 

I don’t cope well when my child is nice to me. 
It sends me into a downward spiral, turning me into an emotional mess.  Kindness from my child is unfamiliar territory, and when it rarely happens I get pulled back in. 

Because I want a relationship with my child. 
I yearn for it more than I can explain. 

So I let my walls down. 
I start to believe in a different future.  I imagine that maybe things really could change.  I think, this time might be different.  I begin to picture myself being the mum I always thought I would be. I feel the overwhelming urge to rush in and rescue him from being homeless. 

Except I can’t. 

Because the next day, when I answer the phone again this time full of precious hope, the threats return. The demands. The abuse. As if the kindness never happened. 

And then the self-blame  and loathing kicks in 

Is this my fault? 
Did I do something wrong? 
Have I failed him? 
Should I have tried harder? 

I live trapped in a perpetual cycle — a cruel merry‑go‑round of hope, belief, and dreams, followed by devastation. Over and over again. 

This is the push and pull of child‑to‑parent violence and abuse. 
And it shatters lives.